You Might Be A Republican If...
- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
- You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were
just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You've ever referred to someone as "my insert racial or ethnic
minority here friend."
- You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.
- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
- You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
- You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of
- You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
- You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Toots."
- You answer to "The Man."
- You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
- You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
- You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert
and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
- You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
- You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
- When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
- You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
- You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
- Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
- You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism
- You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
- You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
- You've ever called education a luxury.
- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible.
- You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
- You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
- You're afraid of the liberal media.
- You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
- You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
- You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps,
when they don't even have shoes.
- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.